Gifts in Shitty Wrapping Paper- What Failure Taught Me
/Hi Love!
Each of us have gifts.
And as a friend shared with me years ago, sometimes gifts come in shitty wrapping paper.
One of my gifts was learning that,
"Failure was not an option" all wrapped up in "Perfection is expected" with a bow that said "You are a disappointment", spoken in the sound of a breath", barely louder than a whisper that spoke VOLUMES!
Of course it could not be as simple as that.
This lesson included other gifts in shitty wrapping paper:
Do what you are told.
Meet expectations set for you.
Be the good girl.
Don't ask questions.
Behave.
Accept what you receive graciously.
Don't ask for help.
Don't expect more than what you need.
As a child these “gifts” were most likely developed to help us to move through life in ways that felt more safe but when they operate in your life unconsciously as an adult they often create obstacles and blocks of unhealthy patterns in thought and behavior. It can be one of the ways we get in the way.
As I grew I knew “I did NOT want to be a disappointment.”
Unconsciously I terrified of failing.
So afraid that I developed some safety mechanisms that I am still discovering and working through, healing today.
These safety mechanisms, in the simplest terms, included:
lying
manipulation
isolation
most often to myself, creating a spiral of negative self talk, doubt, distrust, and playing small wrapped up.
“How Can These Be Gifts”?
For much of my life I didn’t see the gifts. I saw the shame and guilt which led to isolation and depression, hidden behind a facade of “Good. No complaints” when someone asked how I was. The whole time twisting inside.
The gifts showed up when I started processing what was happening within me, what Brene Brown refers to in “the power of vulnerability” when we not only stand in the arena but get up again and again and again.
Discovered Gifts:
I took a huge leap and followed through instead of cancelling or going small. Made new connections and new friends. Have so many new ideas that are unfolding as I type this that I can’t wait to share.
The sky didn’t fall because I failed.
People aren’t pointing fingers because I failed. And even if they did, I feel strong and confident in new ways.
And There is great power in feeling feelings including anger and grief.
I can learn new things. (Technology is getting easier. NEVER saw that happening.)
I recognize my own rhythms of being in harmony within my masculine and feminine energy of DOing and BEing. It means I am kinder and less judgmental to myself.
I recognize a level of healing that has moved from knowledge to embodiment and that is POWERFUL!
As friend and colleague pointed out. The 1st Annual FLIA Experience became the anchor point for a number of other things happening and coming together. And he is so right! I couldn’t be more excited by this turn of events.
I am grateful for this failure. And excited for what is next.
Stay tuned for approaching failure, The FLIA Way in the next blog post!